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Everyone knows that there are all types of loss. For example, the death of a loved one, the end to a way of life or even a divorce are all types of loss that require grieving. However, only the person who has walked through grieving understands how much grieving functions as a process and not as a one-time event. Loss requires much patience not only on the survivor's part but also on the part of friends and family members. In fact, grieving is rarely linear or hierarchical in its journey; it therefore confuses the bystander who looks for specific markers that testify of a quantifiable healing. Instead, grief leads the person over and under many hills, valleys and U-turns before ending in the destination of emotional recovery. At times, the unpredictability of course frustrates loved ones who watch helplessly at the sidelines.
However, there are tips that both the griever as well as the loved one can know that will facilitate whole recovery. Some are simple and have to do with common sense. Others are more complicated and require further explanation.
Firstly, it is important to know that there is something valid about the trance-like state that a griever displays. Usually, this state lasts through the year of 'Firsts.' The year of 'Firsts' refers to important dates shared by the survivor and the loss. A typical 'First' might refer to a first birthday without the loved one or other such memory, the first holiday season, or the first anniversary. A griever reports feeling numb as though he/she were walking through the event without feeling as though entirely present. It is a sign of shock and requires time to grapple with how life is to continue without the other.
To organize meaning from the trance-like state of the year of 'Firsts,' journaling memories, thoughts and feelings on these marker days does much to enable the process of grief. Contrary to popular belief, journaling is much more than the spewing of thoughts and feelings onto paper. In fact, it is a method whereby the survivor can help to create a new version of the relationship. Moreover, on paper, the survivor can begin to reframe the loss. Thus, the survivor is able through the journaling process to choose what is recalled. This creative exercise allows the loss to assume new membership back into the griever's life.
To further clarify, prior to the loss, the other member defined who he/she was to the survivor. If it were a person, the lost one defined a sense of self through reactions and behaviors. If the lost one were a marriage or a physical capacity, the mutual exchange defined who the survivor was to it. Upon the ending, the survivor now is required to sift through the recall of behaviors, reactions, and capacities to form a new version of a relationship to the loss. In other words, will the survivor recall pleasant memories to soothe the grief, or are there unresolved issues that now only the griever is able to work through to allow the loss to have meaning?
As illustrated above, journaling is much less simplistic than it initially appears. Loved ones can help the survivor by providing him/her with personal reflections of their own of which the griever may or may not be aware. Unfortunately, research shows that others surrounding the griever feel uncomfortable mentioning the loss to the survivor. It appears that others fear that the resurfacing of memories will hurt the griever further. However, research disproves the need for the discomfort. Instead, studies assert that ignoring the loss serves to further render the griever with a feeling of isolation. Moreover, the shunning of the survivor hands the griever an additional issue: the loss itself and the loneliness of bearing the burden alone. Instead, what is needed is an increase in emotional support to enable the healing.
For this reason, support groups are an alternative for those unable to share with friends and family members important problems and concerns with healing and grief. They are a marvelous way for the survivor to increase social support and allow him/her to share with others who empathize with what the griever is going through. The local newspaper has a listing once a week of support groups near the griever's location. Although initially daunting, support groups offer the most opportunity for healing, as no one else can realize and understand the occasional backtracking of stages of grief as another who has lost in a similar manner.
Another possible tip is letter writing. Writing a letter to the loss is also a powerful tool for facilitating unarticulated thoughts and feelings. This tool is especially helpful for the survivor who was unable to say goodbye to the loved one. The letter writing provides a sense of empowerment to the writer who may have previously believed that circumstances imposed the loss upon him/her. One should be encouraged to note specifically to what the author is saying goodbye. Moreover, one should be encouraged to identify memories that will be favorably recalled. What emotional gifts was the survivor hoping to take along from having had a relationship with the lost one now that it is a solo journey? What gifts were the griever hoping to have provided to the one who left? This tool is especially useful for those who are grieving with unresolved feelings or whose endings were especially painful.
For survivors who enjoy visual memories, a Shadow Box is another creative way to remember the loved one. Grouping items that enable the viewer to picture the interests and tastes of the lost one is a great way of making the lost one a part of the home. Favorite snapshots also enable the survivor to feel closer to the loved one.
However, it needs to be stated that each person grieves in a very individual way. No one should push the survivor to grieve in a certain manner. unfortunately, many well-intentioned people unknowingly do more harm than good by suggesting that the griever 'should' move on. Grieving a loss cannot be compared to another's. Each relationship is different and thereby each loss is different.
If there is a family member or friend wishes to help, the best approach is to ask the griever what feels comfortable for him/her. If the survivor reports that he/she does not know, ask a specific request before proceeding. This courtesy assures that your effort will be appreciated and that the loved one will feel that his/her needs are respected. Finally, remember that the greatest sharing is of the self. Time and concern are everything to those who are hurting.
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