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In past generations physical punishment was often considered the only way to discipline a child. Times have changed and many people feel that physical abuse of another person in any form is unacceptable. Children learn more from what parents do than they do from what they say, so when children are spanked, they learn that hitting is acceptable which can lead to other aggressive behaviors. They also learn that it is ok for they, themselves to be hurt which is damaging to their self-esteem.
Many people, whose parents used physical punishment to discipline them, are now searching for alternative ways to teach their own children right from wrong. So what are some alternatives to spanking that can help you maintain your authority as a parent?
The first step you can take towards well-behaved children involves your own behavior. It is best if you can create a happy home environment. Children are more likely to behave well if they are loved and valued and told how important they are. They will behave better if the adults around them are behaving well and treating each other with respect. Children need to trust their parents. They are more likely to behave well if their parents treat them and others in ways that are honest and fair.
Praise and encouragement are very important because children crave attention. If you notice them only when they are naughty that is what they will be most of the time. Children love to hear that they are good at certain things. Rewarding a child with verbal praise, a hug or a smile when they are kind to others, or do things the right way encourages them and reinforces the behavior that you like.
All children make mistakes or behave badly sometimes. Help your children understand what they have done wrong by being clear about what you expect. Reminding them about past mistakes will only make a child feel bad about his or herself. Criticize the behavior you don’t like and not the child. For example say, “Why don’t you play ball in the garden instead of watching TV for so long” instead of “You are such a lazy child always watching TV.”
It is important to praise more often than you punish. Part of doing this is to choose your battles wisely. You can’t force a baby or toddler to eat and sleep exactly the way you want them to, nor should you force and older child to do things exactly as you would do them. When you stop to consider what your child is doing you may realize it really isn’t all that bad. It may be unconventional or annoying but it may be a problem the child will outgrow. As long as your child’s behavior isn’t hurting anyone try not to take any notice of behavior you don’t like or want. Sometimes paying attention makes the situation worse. Your children will learn what makes you react.
Keep NO for when you really mean it. Think about what is non-negotiable. Keeping your child safe from danger is an obvious priority. If you say “No” too often the child will become confused and ignore your limits. It’s easier for a child to obey rules if there are fewer rules for him or her to remember. Try to be consistent. It’s confusing if you praise a child for helping you wash the dishes one day and then scold them for making a mess with the soap the next. Children need clear rules and boundaries to feel safe. They need to know what to expect. If you are parenting with a spouse or partner it’s important that you both agree on the rules and stick to them.
Talking is one of the best ways of teaching. You can encourage good behavior by explaining thing to children and listening to what they have to say. Giving children reasons for your rules really helps children of three years and older respect you and the rules you make. A child does not have to accept the reason and you don’t need to keep explaining and qualifying it. Children do appreciate being told the reasons behind rules and your explanations can expand their vocabularies.
Just as little children enjoy being told the reasons behind rules they also like to feel that they have a say in decision making regarding their lives. Parents must remain in charge but letting your child make small decisions such as which hat he will wear to keep warm or whether she wants toast or cereal for breakfast can help the child feel more respected and prevent battles over small issues.
When you have to deal with difficult behavior there are several techniques you can use. It’s usually easy to distract children from behavior that is annoying. Pull a silly face or start singing a song. Distracting your children from unwanted behavior with an object or activity can give a child positive attention.
When a child is old enough to express their angry feelings, listen and acknowledge them. Say things like,
“I know your angry that you can’t play ball inside when it’s raining but playing ball inside can lead to things being broken. Why don’t we sit down and draw a picture of you playing ball?”
If talking, listening and distracting don’t work try taking away something the child enjoys such as a favorite TV program. Be sure to explain to the child why this is being done and how long this will go on for. Small children will not remember the reason if this goes on for too long. If the TV program is on later in the day remind them why they are not allowed to watch it or why they can not have desert tonight. Don’t make the punishment too harsh and be sure to follow through.
The most well known alternative to spanking is Time Out. Time out is not about punishment. Time out is about helping your child to manage his or her feelings and giving you both a chance to calm down. It is not always the best form of discipline. Sometimes timeout can take a child away from an important learning experience. Choose your time outs wisely. Children under 3 are too young for time out. Timeouts should not be too long. A good rule of thumb is to make the timeout the same number of minutes as the child’s age, for example no longer than 3 minutes for a three-year-old. During the time out your children don’t get attention for behavior you don’t like. They stay in a specific place where they are safe.
There are no super parents and you will make mistakes in your discipline. There will be times when you will lose your temper. Remember to forgive yourself. As long as there are more happy moments than sad you are doing a good job. Don’t be afraid to say your sorry to you child. Children are forgiving and will probably be delighted.
Lastly remember every child is a unique individual. You have to listen to your child and understand his or her unique personality and capabilities. Carefully evaluate what works with your individual child's personality and consistently use that information to keep your home a happy one.
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